He broke my spirit
He snuffed something out of me
I might never get it back
and I shall never love him the same
Embers of love smoldering
A love I had welcomed and nurtured
I watched it dying
Feeling nothing now
The pain had long given way to numbness
Then dizziness, both, had ceased
I was running again, this time
I was running my last
A Voice on Fleming Road
Monday, August 30, 2010
Love Had Not Been Enough
She finally accepted that she did not love him. She cared for him very much and he was kind to her. Undoubtedly, she had married a good man. He loved her. Her life was good. Sitting back in the seat, she stared at her friend.
Ella felt her stare and sighed. She, on the other hand, had loved her husband from the first. For two years she had chosen to see the good in him. He treated her badly and she was forced to admit that he might be wrong for her. She deserved better. He didn’t deserve her, and he had said so himself many times. Sadly, it was true. She lifted her gaze and met Janice’s stare; her eyes filling with tears, she choked out the words: I love him but I have decided to leave him.
Janice reached across the small table, covered in a faded pink plastic sheet, and took both of Ella’s hands in hers. Slowly she whispered, I don’t love him, but I have decided to stay.
By this time, both women were crying. They sat together, still, for a long time; oblivious to the goings-on around them. At some point a waiter intruded upon their peace, demanding if they required anything further. Unable to speak, the friends shook their heads and he left the bill on the table. Some time later, the two friends stood, linked arms and walked out of the quaint busy diner in the heart of a city they had grown fond of. At the corner, they embraced for what might be the last time.
Ella would be moving back up north to start a new life on her own. She cried easily but had such a deep strength inside. With a supportive family & good friends the world over, she would be alright. All arrangements had already been made, and this weekend she would break the news to AJ. Ella loved a man unable to show her true love.
Janice turned and walked away. She would stay and make the most of her life with Charles. She was loved… in spite of being unfulfilled. In the end, love had not been enough.
Ella felt her stare and sighed. She, on the other hand, had loved her husband from the first. For two years she had chosen to see the good in him. He treated her badly and she was forced to admit that he might be wrong for her. She deserved better. He didn’t deserve her, and he had said so himself many times. Sadly, it was true. She lifted her gaze and met Janice’s stare; her eyes filling with tears, she choked out the words: I love him but I have decided to leave him.
Janice reached across the small table, covered in a faded pink plastic sheet, and took both of Ella’s hands in hers. Slowly she whispered, I don’t love him, but I have decided to stay.
By this time, both women were crying. They sat together, still, for a long time; oblivious to the goings-on around them. At some point a waiter intruded upon their peace, demanding if they required anything further. Unable to speak, the friends shook their heads and he left the bill on the table. Some time later, the two friends stood, linked arms and walked out of the quaint busy diner in the heart of a city they had grown fond of. At the corner, they embraced for what might be the last time.
Ella would be moving back up north to start a new life on her own. She cried easily but had such a deep strength inside. With a supportive family & good friends the world over, she would be alright. All arrangements had already been made, and this weekend she would break the news to AJ. Ella loved a man unable to show her true love.
Janice turned and walked away. She would stay and make the most of her life with Charles. She was loved… in spite of being unfulfilled. In the end, love had not been enough.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Earth
This marks the Equator line that divides the earth into north & south, Democratic Republic of Congo 2010.
In 2004, I was in Ghana at the Meridian line which divides the earth into eastern & western hemispheres. Next, I guess I shall plan to visit the Tropics of Cancer & Capricorn - smile. Here are other photos taken on the same trip. . .
A Poem
For some reason, yet unknown, a title for this piece has failed to surface. These words came to me sometime in Dec 2009 and I still haven't fully determined the poem's meaning to me. I hope you enjoy it and discover your own interpretation.
Heartbeat
HoofbeatPulse of the earth
Planet
RhythmDance of the world
The core
The soulLanguage of life
Threads
VeinsBodies in motion
Explosion
VibrationsForces in nature
Drums
WindpipesSpirit of creation
Swinging
SwayingCycle of man
Awakened
EvolvedMeeting the maker
Sunday, June 13, 2010
UPDATE
Hello everyone,
I have missed you all, my readers, cyber friends & visitors to my blog. Today is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and this post comes to you live from the Democratic Republic of Congo...
Yes, I am still here in DRC. Since my posts: Bits N Bobs (Nov 15, 2009), A Blur (Nov 22, 2009) and Aloha (Sept 8, 2009), so much has happened. I am so thankful to God for His protection and provision. He has sustained me since my arrival in this country. In Bits N Bobs I wrote, "So, I wait for my miracle ... a small apartment close by work with somewhat regular electricity." Now guess what God did? He found me a lovely apartment at a hotel; it is a 5-minute walk from my office; affordable because it is 2-bedrooms and so I share with another lady; regular power; and internet as well. That is nothing short of a miracle. I also wrote, "there are so many pedestrians and motorcycles and bicycles on these predominantly tiny, narrow, hilly roads that I can't imagine adding my four-wheeler to that mix. Oh Lord, I pray for courage." God gave me the courage and now I drive easily and fearlessly about town. Once I scratched my car on the hotel gate, but no accidents by His grace. Finally, "French, or was it Lingala ... maybe Swahili. I was too busy ... that I missed what language he was speaking." Ah, now my French is much improved. I have patients congratulating me on my language skills because I can consult them without needing a nurse to assist with translation. I have come a long way. I can even understand basic Kiswahili now, and will continue my daily classes until I get proficient. I have no plans to tackle Lingala anytime soon (smile). I am content to be able to identify that one is speaking Lingala.
Since my photos in Aloha, my dog Sailor ran away while I was here. Sasha is doing well with her 5 puppies born on Easter day. My husband is well and we are making more effort at regular transatlantic communication. We constantly battle the networks, time difference, internet access, etc. and finally I had to surrender all to God lest I lose my sanity. The insight I gained is this: one has to make effort to stay connected. We must choose to stay connected and not take it for granted when we are in organized society.
My siblings are well, in spite of their individual struggles. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I so rest my concerns and cares upon the Lord who shall settle them in His time. Meanwhile, we must continue to learn godly patience. My parents are doing well in spite of bad news about kidnappings and armed robberies that seem to have escalated in our home state in southern Nigeria [info below]. I am happy that my parents relocated back in 2007, but all our extended family remain there. One relative was kidnapped & later released unharmed. One uncle left the village with his family (out of fear). A family friend can't go to work (out of fear). You just can't up and walk around town in broad daylight - all the citizens of the area are in fear. They even attacked and killed some law enforcement guys who were sent to protect the area. Please pray for South Eastern Nigeria - thank you.
Ah, yes, the world cup. I do not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, national origin, color, sex, age, disability, etc. I am simply rooting for West Africa to carry the cup. We got four chances to take the cup home (to West Africa), and six to at least keep the cup in Africa... just for once - please Lord (smile). South Africa, well done - a great start (& you too Mexico). Nigeria put on a good show, although it took an early goal against them to restore their confidence (& not bad Argentina). Korea had one excellent goal against Greece... did you see it? It was just a perfect shot. The US did a good job (England, what's up?). Now, I prepare for the Ghanaians... (Serbia, watch out).
Okay, enough said. I am happy. I am grateful for every good thing in my life thus far. I am grateful for every bad situation that I have overcome and learned from and promised will never repeat itself. I wish you all the very best that June has to offer. Check out the South African games until July. Have a good summer. I am looking forward to a much needed vacation in a couple of months. Fall, I think, is my favourite time of year. Another time I shall share with you why. Until my next post comes out, stay safe & happy wherever you are.
Blessings,
LJ
*Me & my husband's bike in front of our home - I was home for 3 weeks at Easter.
A friend's parrot - DRC 2010
The moon - taken from my hotel apartment terrace, DRC 2010
A co-worker's ram - DRC 2010
Info on South Eastern Nigeria:
I have missed you all, my readers, cyber friends & visitors to my blog. Today is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and this post comes to you live from the Democratic Republic of Congo...
Yes, I am still here in DRC. Since my posts: Bits N Bobs (Nov 15, 2009), A Blur (Nov 22, 2009) and Aloha (Sept 8, 2009), so much has happened. I am so thankful to God for His protection and provision. He has sustained me since my arrival in this country. In Bits N Bobs I wrote, "So, I wait for my miracle ... a small apartment close by work with somewhat regular electricity." Now guess what God did? He found me a lovely apartment at a hotel; it is a 5-minute walk from my office; affordable because it is 2-bedrooms and so I share with another lady; regular power; and internet as well. That is nothing short of a miracle. I also wrote, "there are so many pedestrians and motorcycles and bicycles on these predominantly tiny, narrow, hilly roads that I can't imagine adding my four-wheeler to that mix. Oh Lord, I pray for courage." God gave me the courage and now I drive easily and fearlessly about town. Once I scratched my car on the hotel gate, but no accidents by His grace. Finally, "French, or was it Lingala ... maybe Swahili. I was too busy ... that I missed what language he was speaking." Ah, now my French is much improved. I have patients congratulating me on my language skills because I can consult them without needing a nurse to assist with translation. I have come a long way. I can even understand basic Kiswahili now, and will continue my daily classes until I get proficient. I have no plans to tackle Lingala anytime soon (smile). I am content to be able to identify that one is speaking Lingala.
Since my photos in Aloha, my dog Sailor ran away while I was here. Sasha is doing well with her 5 puppies born on Easter day. My husband is well and we are making more effort at regular transatlantic communication. We constantly battle the networks, time difference, internet access, etc. and finally I had to surrender all to God lest I lose my sanity. The insight I gained is this: one has to make effort to stay connected. We must choose to stay connected and not take it for granted when we are in organized society.My siblings are well, in spite of their individual struggles. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I so rest my concerns and cares upon the Lord who shall settle them in His time. Meanwhile, we must continue to learn godly patience. My parents are doing well in spite of bad news about kidnappings and armed robberies that seem to have escalated in our home state in southern Nigeria [info below]. I am happy that my parents relocated back in 2007, but all our extended family remain there. One relative was kidnapped & later released unharmed. One uncle left the village with his family (out of fear). A family friend can't go to work (out of fear). You just can't up and walk around town in broad daylight - all the citizens of the area are in fear. They even attacked and killed some law enforcement guys who were sent to protect the area. Please pray for South Eastern Nigeria - thank you.
Ah, yes, the world cup. I do not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, national origin, color, sex, age, disability, etc. I am simply rooting for West Africa to carry the cup. We got four chances to take the cup home (to West Africa), and six to at least keep the cup in Africa... just for once - please Lord (smile). South Africa, well done - a great start (& you too Mexico). Nigeria put on a good show, although it took an early goal against them to restore their confidence (& not bad Argentina). Korea had one excellent goal against Greece... did you see it? It was just a perfect shot. The US did a good job (England, what's up?). Now, I prepare for the Ghanaians... (Serbia, watch out).Okay, enough said. I am happy. I am grateful for every good thing in my life thus far. I am grateful for every bad situation that I have overcome and learned from and promised will never repeat itself. I wish you all the very best that June has to offer. Check out the South African games until July. Have a good summer. I am looking forward to a much needed vacation in a couple of months. Fall, I think, is my favourite time of year. Another time I shall share with you why. Until my next post comes out, stay safe & happy wherever you are.
Blessings,LJ
*Me & my husband's bike in front of our home - I was home for 3 weeks at Easter.
A friend's parrot - DRC 2010
The moon - taken from my hotel apartment terrace, DRC 2010
A co-worker's ram - DRC 2010
Info on South Eastern Nigeria:
- In the grip of kidnappers
- Amnesty to kidnappers
- Death penalty for kidnappers
- Kidnappers abduct for ransom
- Kidnappers arrested
NEXT
June 10, 2010
June 10, 2010
Various criminal gangs in several southeastern states, especially in Abia State, are operating seemingly unchallenged by policemen deployed to the states. ...
NEXT
June 10, 2010
June 10, 2010
Recently, the governor of Abia State, Theodore Orji told a stunned crowd in Lagos that the state government was in the know about the identities of the ...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Going Home
Thin. Gaunt. Dirty. Diseased. Imprisoned a long time. Now I await my release. A handover, they call it.
Then they come, the three, standing out from everyone else. Lanky white guy. Old muslim man. And the doctor. She talked to me in English. I didn't understand the old man's French. They left and the lanky guy came back. We got into a nice new car. We drove in through some gates and they took me to a big room. It was a hospital. It was my room. Someone came to cut my hair. Someone bought me bananas but I was still hungry. Then I was alone after another old kind doctor had examined me. He hadn't been afraid to touch me. I lay down until two of the strangers came again to see me. They changed my bed and showed me how to use the toilet. She asked me what I wanted to eat. Hours afterward, the muslim man returned with food for me. This was my first decent meal in a long time. I slept for the first time in years. I took a bath. In the morning I was at the airport with the lanky white man. He was taking me back to my people. I thought of my family. I remembered the day I was taken. At last, I was going home.
Then they come, the three, standing out from everyone else. Lanky white guy. Old muslim man. And the doctor. She talked to me in English. I didn't understand the old man's French. They left and the lanky guy came back. We got into a nice new car. We drove in through some gates and they took me to a big room. It was a hospital. It was my room. Someone came to cut my hair. Someone bought me bananas but I was still hungry. Then I was alone after another old kind doctor had examined me. He hadn't been afraid to touch me. I lay down until two of the strangers came again to see me. They changed my bed and showed me how to use the toilet. She asked me what I wanted to eat. Hours afterward, the muslim man returned with food for me. This was my first decent meal in a long time. I slept for the first time in years. I took a bath. In the morning I was at the airport with the lanky white man. He was taking me back to my people. I thought of my family. I remembered the day I was taken. At last, I was going home.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Remember To Face The Light
Wow, I was just moved to respond to a fellow blogger's post.
It was heavy and weary, but there is much light all around.
When we feel in a dark place, let us remember to always turn and face the light.
This was my response.
.jpg "Lilly Jones")
Lilly Jones said...
It was heavy and weary, but there is much light all around.
When we feel in a dark place, let us remember to always turn and face the light.
This was my response.
 | ||
|
A Bath
Hello there. How are you all enjoying a great weekend so far?
I got the day off, which was splendid, but the morning didn't seem to turn out so fun. It has been a great year for me, and I am determined to keep it that way. Thus, a few bad days or one lousy morning shan't ruin my 2010.
On Wednesday night I was in bed by 20.00h; yes, 8 o'clock pm. I slept for almost ten hours and woke up refreshed and glad to be alive. The next night, last night, I lay down around 11pm and woke up later than usual, but this time I felt sluggish... physically and my mood was the same. I was picky at breakfast and had a few slices of freshly cut cucumber, carrots, pineapples and some chocolate (yep, quite a combination there). This was topped off with potent local West African herbs which I drank in the form of tea. Then I lazed around, getting work done online while half-heartedly watching American movies in French - The Postman with Kevin Costner and one with Jenny Lopez and then The Perfect Stranger.
I was lonely. I am lonely.
There are some things that I never realized in life before. Like, how you could love someone and yet leave them... thinking of divorce specifically. How you could be amongst so many and still feel lonely - in my case, right here and right now I am both alone in the apartment and lonely. Like having so many dreams as a child and growing up not accomplishing them. Like having a great family but life not turning out so well. Or others from far less ideal homes succeeding at every turn. Like someone trying to quit smoking but just can't. Like working so hard for something which comes too easily to most people while remaining elusive to you. There's a lot I never realized or understood, and still can't figure out for the life of me. Like why God created hormones.
I had a hormone attack this morning. Yes, that time of the month in the female cycle. I know it doesn't bother many women, but it gets me from time to time. The irritability, volatile mood swings, sadness, wistfulness, aloofness... sometimes I wish there were pills to make it go away. For some women it gets milder after they have children, I think. Oh, I don't know. I later had some wine. It tasted good. It might not be the best or the fanciest as far as wines go, but it felt good going down. I decided to run a bath. To do so had been on my mind for the past couple of days.
I have a lovely bathroom and will be changing apartments next month (sigh). I used to wonder what the big deal was in taking a bath. People talked about it like it was a big deal. I have not taken a bath in years, probably not since high school. At that particular boarding school, we had a bath schedule. Pupils were to wash everyday and have a bath every 2 days. I don't think we had showers there (hence the strip-down washes). I've usually lived in houses with bathtubs but guess I just never took a bath. Anyway, an hour or so ago I ran a hot bath. Then I set up my laptop music collection - 1980s U.K. Those were my hey days... I have fond memories of that era. I covered my face in an all-natural avocado mask (I mashed the avocados myself and keep it refrigerated). Then I had a couple of cold tea bags for my eyes. All was ready and I climbed in.
Wow. I felt aglow. The warm water caressed me, body, mind, soul & spirit. Soothing. The warm undulating water worked its magic. The only thing missing were my scented candles back home in the States. My darling husband had bought me a nice pomegranate one. The music took me to another place and time. I was floating and lightweight. Nevertheless, after a short time I was ready to climb out. So typically me, I could not even stay in for 20 minutes. In my defense, I can say that after years of 10-minute showers, it will take practice to learn the art of relaxation and enjoying a good 20-minute soak. Perhaps the shower defines me more than I had realized: a get up and go sort of person; brusque in a way; never stopping to enjoy the moment.
Thank God for 2010 which is changing me. Now I can stop and smell flowers/roses (see my earlier post); watch birds; swing on a swing; and now I can also take the time to enjoy a bath. When ever did I turn into that hurried up-tight little woman that I became? Gosh. I promise myself today that life can only get better. It took a phone call from my husband to make me realize that I was as tight as a steel rod (ugh) and ready to snap. I hate to admit that I did snap ... at him. This was an emergency - I had to de-stress. That's when the bath happened. Now I feel less taut and strung out. The hormones might take several days to settle but I feel soft and pampered (chuckle). God is good. Life is good. And my husband is a good man.
You all have a wonderful evening.
Ciao
xxx
I got the day off, which was splendid, but the morning didn't seem to turn out so fun. It has been a great year for me, and I am determined to keep it that way. Thus, a few bad days or one lousy morning shan't ruin my 2010.
On Wednesday night I was in bed by 20.00h; yes, 8 o'clock pm. I slept for almost ten hours and woke up refreshed and glad to be alive. The next night, last night, I lay down around 11pm and woke up later than usual, but this time I felt sluggish... physically and my mood was the same. I was picky at breakfast and had a few slices of freshly cut cucumber, carrots, pineapples and some chocolate (yep, quite a combination there). This was topped off with potent local West African herbs which I drank in the form of tea. Then I lazed around, getting work done online while half-heartedly watching American movies in French - The Postman with Kevin Costner and one with Jenny Lopez and then The Perfect Stranger.
I was lonely. I am lonely.
There are some things that I never realized in life before. Like, how you could love someone and yet leave them... thinking of divorce specifically. How you could be amongst so many and still feel lonely - in my case, right here and right now I am both alone in the apartment and lonely. Like having so many dreams as a child and growing up not accomplishing them. Like having a great family but life not turning out so well. Or others from far less ideal homes succeeding at every turn. Like someone trying to quit smoking but just can't. Like working so hard for something which comes too easily to most people while remaining elusive to you. There's a lot I never realized or understood, and still can't figure out for the life of me. Like why God created hormones.
I had a hormone attack this morning. Yes, that time of the month in the female cycle. I know it doesn't bother many women, but it gets me from time to time. The irritability, volatile mood swings, sadness, wistfulness, aloofness... sometimes I wish there were pills to make it go away. For some women it gets milder after they have children, I think. Oh, I don't know. I later had some wine. It tasted good. It might not be the best or the fanciest as far as wines go, but it felt good going down. I decided to run a bath. To do so had been on my mind for the past couple of days.
I have a lovely bathroom and will be changing apartments next month (sigh). I used to wonder what the big deal was in taking a bath. People talked about it like it was a big deal. I have not taken a bath in years, probably not since high school. At that particular boarding school, we had a bath schedule. Pupils were to wash everyday and have a bath every 2 days. I don't think we had showers there (hence the strip-down washes). I've usually lived in houses with bathtubs but guess I just never took a bath. Anyway, an hour or so ago I ran a hot bath. Then I set up my laptop music collection - 1980s U.K. Those were my hey days... I have fond memories of that era. I covered my face in an all-natural avocado mask (I mashed the avocados myself and keep it refrigerated). Then I had a couple of cold tea bags for my eyes. All was ready and I climbed in.
Wow. I felt aglow. The warm water caressed me, body, mind, soul & spirit. Soothing. The warm undulating water worked its magic. The only thing missing were my scented candles back home in the States. My darling husband had bought me a nice pomegranate one. The music took me to another place and time. I was floating and lightweight. Nevertheless, after a short time I was ready to climb out. So typically me, I could not even stay in for 20 minutes. In my defense, I can say that after years of 10-minute showers, it will take practice to learn the art of relaxation and enjoying a good 20-minute soak. Perhaps the shower defines me more than I had realized: a get up and go sort of person; brusque in a way; never stopping to enjoy the moment.
Thank God for 2010 which is changing me. Now I can stop and smell flowers/roses (see my earlier post); watch birds; swing on a swing; and now I can also take the time to enjoy a bath. When ever did I turn into that hurried up-tight little woman that I became? Gosh. I promise myself today that life can only get better. It took a phone call from my husband to make me realize that I was as tight as a steel rod (ugh) and ready to snap. I hate to admit that I did snap ... at him. This was an emergency - I had to de-stress. That's when the bath happened. Now I feel less taut and strung out. The hormones might take several days to settle but I feel soft and pampered (chuckle). God is good. Life is good. And my husband is a good man.
You all have a wonderful evening.
Ciao
xxx
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Can't Cry Anymore
Sometimes it hurts so bad and no one seems to care. It is not their fault and I don't blame them either. Friends and family... they've all got their own problems and can't always cry with you. Many-a-time they don't even hear you. Perhaps they find you complaining too much. On my part, I've always seen myself as quite sensitive to the pain of others. I might not know what to say to them and consequently I say nothing often, but deep inside I feel for them and I feel their pain.
One of our dogs ran away. Sailor. My husband told me the news only a couple of hours before I got on a plane to head home. I lost it emotionally and I bawled and cried for ages, crumpled on my bathroom floor until I had no tears left. My flatmate came in and tried to console me. I heard her words of compassion and wisdom and appreciated her godly counsel. She is like a younger sister to me, and very kind. Then I began shutting down. I got, showered, dressed and left for the airport.
Many hours, planes, airports, continents and time zones later... I landed at Jacksonville International airport and waited for my husband to pick me up. He was late. My emotions were stifled. I prayed for God to bring Sailor home. Then more bad news. I spent the first 3 days of my vacation in a hotel because our home had plumbing problems (which never got fixed until I left). When I was finally allowed to go home, I found some more tears and wept. The house was a mess... like a whirlwind had visited. Whenever I was alone I sobbed, day and night. I took long walks along paths that I had taken when I took Sailor and his sister, Sasha, on walks last year. I sighted him once; jumped out the car and tried to run across the neighbour's yard to catch him but he was gone. I screamed his name in anguish, jumped back into the car and my friend drove around to where he had been. No sign of him. Not a trace. Some days later she saw him on the road to her children's school. I will always wonder why he ran away. Maybe if I had been home, he'd still be there. Maybe I should have listened to my heart and paid someone to watch him and love him and feed him while I was gone. I thought to call the police, animal shelter, put up posters of 'lost dog - please call this number if you find him'... but I was numb. Truly, my emotions were paralyzed and I could do nothing. I found myself disconnecting from my life.
Sasha hadn't run away. I had begged my husband to have her spayed (as advised by a vet) and even sent a cheque to cover the bill. My husband didn't do it. I arrived to see Sasha, barely a year old, pregnant. On Easter morning, I believe, she gave birth to 5 pups. I was amazed at the great sadness that overcame me. Only a year old, and now a mother. I said I'd take photographs of her babies but I never did. The numbness grew deeper and I could barely get myself to take out her food and water. I was intrigued that she remembered me after my 6-month absence and she longed for my time. She would roll over for a stomach rub in her familiar manner and I missed her even though she was right there. I suppose I missed her because I would leave again soon and there was nothing I could do for her. I had already been told that she would be given away and I had nothing to say. After all, I had never wanted dogs and when they were forced upon me, I loved and cared for them as best as I could under the prevailing circumstances at the time. I grew attached to them. Then I left them to work overseas. And now... on my way to the airport to catch my flights back to DRC, I made a final quietly desperate plea. I asked my husband to please leave Sasha with my neighbour and friend after he gave the puppies away. She was still a puppy herself. The reply to my request was a distracted half-hearted 'okay' while concentrating on the cell phone held up to his left ear. I surrendered to God... Sasha, her pups, Sailor (wherever he was), my life, my love, my future and my husband.
It was a lot for me to handle. It was a difficult vacation. I hurt so bad but no one even noticed. No one even cared. My sister felt my pain over Sailor and I was grateful. A good friend felt my pain over the house and I was grateful. My mom felt my pain... she always does and somehow always knows even when I don't tell her what is going on. I can't cry anymore. I've actually been hurting for years. I've cried since 2005 over one thing or another... crises, tragedies, disasters, burdens and weights all going on in my 'little' life. How much more can I take? I feel like someone who has been underwater for a very long time and just managed to get to the surface.
Gulp. Gasp. Breathing hard and heavy. A hand pulls me out of the water gently and carries me ashore. I am laid on the sand and my head placed in someone's lap as he strokes my hair, my head and temples. Soothing. Peaceful. Hopeful. Alas, I remember the kind words a friend shared with me... God's sweet peace is my weapon. Amen. Yes it is and I boldly declare today that, in spite of that 3 week vacation home, I have not lost my sweet godly peace. I am happy and so I have been every day this year. 2010 is an awesome year for all of us. Believe it and get to living.
Reste benit dans la grace de Dieu.
One of our dogs ran away. Sailor. My husband told me the news only a couple of hours before I got on a plane to head home. I lost it emotionally and I bawled and cried for ages, crumpled on my bathroom floor until I had no tears left. My flatmate came in and tried to console me. I heard her words of compassion and wisdom and appreciated her godly counsel. She is like a younger sister to me, and very kind. Then I began shutting down. I got, showered, dressed and left for the airport.
Many hours, planes, airports, continents and time zones later... I landed at Jacksonville International airport and waited for my husband to pick me up. He was late. My emotions were stifled. I prayed for God to bring Sailor home. Then more bad news. I spent the first 3 days of my vacation in a hotel because our home had plumbing problems (which never got fixed until I left). When I was finally allowed to go home, I found some more tears and wept. The house was a mess... like a whirlwind had visited. Whenever I was alone I sobbed, day and night. I took long walks along paths that I had taken when I took Sailor and his sister, Sasha, on walks last year. I sighted him once; jumped out the car and tried to run across the neighbour's yard to catch him but he was gone. I screamed his name in anguish, jumped back into the car and my friend drove around to where he had been. No sign of him. Not a trace. Some days later she saw him on the road to her children's school. I will always wonder why he ran away. Maybe if I had been home, he'd still be there. Maybe I should have listened to my heart and paid someone to watch him and love him and feed him while I was gone. I thought to call the police, animal shelter, put up posters of 'lost dog - please call this number if you find him'... but I was numb. Truly, my emotions were paralyzed and I could do nothing. I found myself disconnecting from my life.
Sasha hadn't run away. I had begged my husband to have her spayed (as advised by a vet) and even sent a cheque to cover the bill. My husband didn't do it. I arrived to see Sasha, barely a year old, pregnant. On Easter morning, I believe, she gave birth to 5 pups. I was amazed at the great sadness that overcame me. Only a year old, and now a mother. I said I'd take photographs of her babies but I never did. The numbness grew deeper and I could barely get myself to take out her food and water. I was intrigued that she remembered me after my 6-month absence and she longed for my time. She would roll over for a stomach rub in her familiar manner and I missed her even though she was right there. I suppose I missed her because I would leave again soon and there was nothing I could do for her. I had already been told that she would be given away and I had nothing to say. After all, I had never wanted dogs and when they were forced upon me, I loved and cared for them as best as I could under the prevailing circumstances at the time. I grew attached to them. Then I left them to work overseas. And now... on my way to the airport to catch my flights back to DRC, I made a final quietly desperate plea. I asked my husband to please leave Sasha with my neighbour and friend after he gave the puppies away. She was still a puppy herself. The reply to my request was a distracted half-hearted 'okay' while concentrating on the cell phone held up to his left ear. I surrendered to God... Sasha, her pups, Sailor (wherever he was), my life, my love, my future and my husband.
It was a lot for me to handle. It was a difficult vacation. I hurt so bad but no one even noticed. No one even cared. My sister felt my pain over Sailor and I was grateful. A good friend felt my pain over the house and I was grateful. My mom felt my pain... she always does and somehow always knows even when I don't tell her what is going on. I can't cry anymore. I've actually been hurting for years. I've cried since 2005 over one thing or another... crises, tragedies, disasters, burdens and weights all going on in my 'little' life. How much more can I take? I feel like someone who has been underwater for a very long time and just managed to get to the surface.
Gulp. Gasp. Breathing hard and heavy. A hand pulls me out of the water gently and carries me ashore. I am laid on the sand and my head placed in someone's lap as he strokes my hair, my head and temples. Soothing. Peaceful. Hopeful. Alas, I remember the kind words a friend shared with me... God's sweet peace is my weapon. Amen. Yes it is and I boldly declare today that, in spite of that 3 week vacation home, I have not lost my sweet godly peace. I am happy and so I have been every day this year. 2010 is an awesome year for all of us. Believe it and get to living.
Reste benit dans la grace de Dieu.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Exhale
This year I am a different person.
Most of my life, I have been waiting for that magical moment when everything would be perfect and I could start to live. For instance, waiting to be thin enough to wear that perfect dress; to meet the perfect man; to have the perfect job; get those perfect grades; have the perfect house; the perfect life... waiting to exhale.
It has been 3 decades and now I know that there is no perfect moment. I accept. So this year, I was reborn. The other day I got home tired after a full work day. I parked the car, climbed up the stairs and turned the corner towards my apartment. Suddenly I stopped and admired the brightly coloured flowers growing on the left side overlooking the car park. Guess what happened next? I stopped and I smelled the flowers.
One morning last month, I went for a run. It felt great. I returned to the hotel where I stay and decided to walk around the pool to cool down. I climbed up the stairs to the pool area and after several turns, I noticed the small swing set. I stopped and sat on one swing. Now, when was the last time I did that? Once last year I swung on a children's swing at a park near my home in Georgia. Before that, I think that I'd not been on a swing since childhood.
Some weeks ago, I stopped to listen to the sound of the birds that gather every morning in the trees within the hotel grounds. More often nowadays, I pause and stare at the huge river Congo (that I learned about in history and geography books). As I cross the bridge on my jogging route I watch the fishermen in their simple boats and nets. I catch the beauty in the sunset and sometimes the sunrise too. These are the things that matter. Sometime last year my husband and I bought some take-out food from a Jamaican restaurant and sat in a park to eat. Its the little things... the little miracles in life that we should live for.
When was the last time a little child hugged your neck? [excluding your own kids if you have the sort of kids that hug a lot; including your own kids if you are not a family of huggers; LOL]. When is the last time you had a picnic? The last time you had a spa treatment (ladies & guys too)? The last time you read to an elderly person or a child? The last time you cooked for someone? The last time you visited someone in hospital? The last time you spent time with extended family? The last time you played hopscotch with your kids? The last time you played catch? Do you remember any of those times?
Life is precious and life is short. This is 2010 - a year to remember all the good things in your life and to do some of the fun things that you haven't had time to do in a while (or that you have been putting off until that perfect day). Today is as perfect as it gets. Start living. Just stop what you are doing right now and ... Exhale!
~
Most of my life, I have been waiting for that magical moment when everything would be perfect and I could start to live. For instance, waiting to be thin enough to wear that perfect dress; to meet the perfect man; to have the perfect job; get those perfect grades; have the perfect house; the perfect life... waiting to exhale.
It has been 3 decades and now I know that there is no perfect moment. I accept. So this year, I was reborn. The other day I got home tired after a full work day. I parked the car, climbed up the stairs and turned the corner towards my apartment. Suddenly I stopped and admired the brightly coloured flowers growing on the left side overlooking the car park. Guess what happened next? I stopped and I smelled the flowers.
One morning last month, I went for a run. It felt great. I returned to the hotel where I stay and decided to walk around the pool to cool down. I climbed up the stairs to the pool area and after several turns, I noticed the small swing set. I stopped and sat on one swing. Now, when was the last time I did that? Once last year I swung on a children's swing at a park near my home in Georgia. Before that, I think that I'd not been on a swing since childhood.
Some weeks ago, I stopped to listen to the sound of the birds that gather every morning in the trees within the hotel grounds. More often nowadays, I pause and stare at the huge river Congo (that I learned about in history and geography books). As I cross the bridge on my jogging route I watch the fishermen in their simple boats and nets. I catch the beauty in the sunset and sometimes the sunrise too. These are the things that matter. Sometime last year my husband and I bought some take-out food from a Jamaican restaurant and sat in a park to eat. Its the little things... the little miracles in life that we should live for.
When was the last time a little child hugged your neck? [excluding your own kids if you have the sort of kids that hug a lot; including your own kids if you are not a family of huggers; LOL]. When is the last time you had a picnic? The last time you had a spa treatment (ladies & guys too)? The last time you read to an elderly person or a child? The last time you cooked for someone? The last time you visited someone in hospital? The last time you spent time with extended family? The last time you played hopscotch with your kids? The last time you played catch? Do you remember any of those times?
Life is precious and life is short. This is 2010 - a year to remember all the good things in your life and to do some of the fun things that you haven't had time to do in a while (or that you have been putting off until that perfect day). Today is as perfect as it gets. Start living. Just stop what you are doing right now and ... Exhale!
~
GLORY
Wow. Glory y'all.
Look... can't you see it (with your spirit's eye)?
Can't you feel it? I sure can - His awesome glory.
Thanks for all your lovely and uplifting comments. . . Finally Free, Prerna, Bob West, CathM, RCUBEs, Peter Stone and Violet.
Today, I heard it said that we passed the test and His glory will manifest in our lives. STOP and think about that for a moment. Meditate on this. Many-a-time we go on and on about trials & temptations; being tested and being put in the fire. STOP. All that may be true, but how many times have you congratulated yourselves on passing the test? You made it- well done. You came through the fire and were not burned [at least not much- lol- see the burn marks as a warrior's scars; a reminder that you did it]. Maybe at this point in time, at this juncture in your life, maybe there is not much that God wants you to do ... except stay in place. Just stay in position and let your guard down. You are not waiting for any thing. Simply enjoying the moment. Consider this a REST STOP. Pause and take a breath. Let Him carry you a while.
Earlier I was tuned in to Ron Carpenter's service on TBN Africa and this is what I heard from his message... (this ain't no quote because it is like I heard a whole other message - smile)
We are the yeast and therefore we need a lump of dough to function. Our function is to leaven dough. Yeast is used to cause dough to rise and it needs the right temperature to do so. God wants to use us to cause others to rise and we need the right atmosphere to accomplish this. Peoples, face your situation and change it like yeast changes the dough it is in. Change the family that you are in. Change the church that you are in. Change the town that you are in. Change the school that you are in. Stop asking God to remove you from that environment (as difficult as it is) lest you remain as inactive dry yeast. Choose to continue until you have leavened the entire dough... the entire extended family; the entire congregation; the entire community or campus. Find or create the right temperature and moisture level required for your activation. Realize the level of your anointing and remember to dress daily in your godly armor.
Waste is not always bad. We know of toxic waste, but recall that some waste is valuable raw product that can be turned into precious substances. "Fermentation products contain chemical energy (they are not fully oxidized) but are considered waste products, since they cannot be metabolized further without the use of oxygen." One of yeast's waste product is alcohol through a process known as fermentation. Yeast is used in the manufacture of beers & fine wines. There have been no wasted events in your life because, like a manufacturer, God takes all that waste and turns it all into fine wine.
Hmmm, I digressed back there [smile]. I am lucky to get unto Blogspot today and I really want to share with you the biggest miracle of my life. Honestly, God's done a lot for me and my family, but this is the biggest gift yet. I can't go into details, but believe me when I say that my darling sister is finally free after 14 years of captivity. The Holy Spirit reminds me of the lady with the issue of blood- 12years; the man at the pool of Bethesda- 38years.
My dear reader, how long have you suffered a particular problem? The kind of problem that has caused you angst, deep depression, loss of sound mind... for how long have you wailed in travail? For how long has your marriage lingered or your health teetered on the brink? Today, I speak with boldness and confidence when I say, hang on; hold on; don't give up; because if God can answer a prayer that my family has prayed for over 10years (with incessant prayers and support of pastors at the different churches we each attend, and the prayer groups at each of these churches, and the pastors of friends' churches and their prayer groups too; and the prayers of ministers I never met whom I called on prayerlines & hotlines all over North America)... if God can answer our prayer after all these years of tears, then my friends God can do anything.
Think of the life and ministry of Jesus, Joseph, Daniel and other great men in the bible and in history... from the time of their birth, it took years of ordinary living and human suffering until the appointed time for them to be revealed (made manifest) to the world. Yesterday I watched parts of different movies on Ernie Davis (see movie The Express) and Jim Ellis (see movie Pride). You are almost a nobody until God is ready to reveal you and commence your ministry. So get ready. Be patient. Your time shall come (if it hasn't already). Hold on to that promise - don't let the devil make you doubt it. I choose to believe that 2010 will be our best year yet. Claim this testimony for yourself too, and then watch it unfold in Jesus' precious name. God is good. He is awesome. Have a wonderful month of March!
- GLORY -
xxx
Look... can't you see it (with your spirit's eye)?
Can't you feel it? I sure can - His awesome glory.
Thanks for all your lovely and uplifting comments. . . Finally Free, Prerna, Bob West, CathM, RCUBEs, Peter Stone and Violet.
Today, I heard it said that we passed the test and His glory will manifest in our lives. STOP and think about that for a moment. Meditate on this. Many-a-time we go on and on about trials & temptations; being tested and being put in the fire. STOP. All that may be true, but how many times have you congratulated yourselves on passing the test? You made it- well done. You came through the fire and were not burned [at least not much- lol- see the burn marks as a warrior's scars; a reminder that you did it]. Maybe at this point in time, at this juncture in your life, maybe there is not much that God wants you to do ... except stay in place. Just stay in position and let your guard down. You are not waiting for any thing. Simply enjoying the moment. Consider this a REST STOP. Pause and take a breath. Let Him carry you a while.
Earlier I was tuned in to Ron Carpenter's service on TBN Africa and this is what I heard from his message... (this ain't no quote because it is like I heard a whole other message - smile)
We are the yeast and therefore we need a lump of dough to function. Our function is to leaven dough. Yeast is used to cause dough to rise and it needs the right temperature to do so. God wants to use us to cause others to rise and we need the right atmosphere to accomplish this. Peoples, face your situation and change it like yeast changes the dough it is in. Change the family that you are in. Change the church that you are in. Change the town that you are in. Change the school that you are in. Stop asking God to remove you from that environment (as difficult as it is) lest you remain as inactive dry yeast. Choose to continue until you have leavened the entire dough... the entire extended family; the entire congregation; the entire community or campus. Find or create the right temperature and moisture level required for your activation. Realize the level of your anointing and remember to dress daily in your godly armor.
Waste is not always bad. We know of toxic waste, but recall that some waste is valuable raw product that can be turned into precious substances. "Fermentation products contain chemical energy (they are not fully oxidized) but are considered waste products, since they cannot be metabolized further without the use of oxygen." One of yeast's waste product is alcohol through a process known as fermentation. Yeast is used in the manufacture of beers & fine wines. There have been no wasted events in your life because, like a manufacturer, God takes all that waste and turns it all into fine wine.
Hmmm, I digressed back there [smile]. I am lucky to get unto Blogspot today and I really want to share with you the biggest miracle of my life. Honestly, God's done a lot for me and my family, but this is the biggest gift yet. I can't go into details, but believe me when I say that my darling sister is finally free after 14 years of captivity. The Holy Spirit reminds me of the lady with the issue of blood- 12years; the man at the pool of Bethesda- 38years.
My dear reader, how long have you suffered a particular problem? The kind of problem that has caused you angst, deep depression, loss of sound mind... for how long have you wailed in travail? For how long has your marriage lingered or your health teetered on the brink? Today, I speak with boldness and confidence when I say, hang on; hold on; don't give up; because if God can answer a prayer that my family has prayed for over 10years (with incessant prayers and support of pastors at the different churches we each attend, and the prayer groups at each of these churches, and the pastors of friends' churches and their prayer groups too; and the prayers of ministers I never met whom I called on prayerlines & hotlines all over North America)... if God can answer our prayer after all these years of tears, then my friends God can do anything.
Think of the life and ministry of Jesus, Joseph, Daniel and other great men in the bible and in history... from the time of their birth, it took years of ordinary living and human suffering until the appointed time for them to be revealed (made manifest) to the world. Yesterday I watched parts of different movies on Ernie Davis (see movie The Express) and Jim Ellis (see movie Pride). You are almost a nobody until God is ready to reveal you and commence your ministry. So get ready. Be patient. Your time shall come (if it hasn't already). Hold on to that promise - don't let the devil make you doubt it. I choose to believe that 2010 will be our best year yet. Claim this testimony for yourself too, and then watch it unfold in Jesus' precious name. God is good. He is awesome. Have a wonderful month of March!
- GLORY -
xxx
Sunday, January 24, 2010
THE WINDING ROAD
It was curves and hills most of the way. Rocky in parts. Potholes too; lots of them. The bus driver navigated the route effortlessly. He must have done it countless times. I was the only one on the bus; the only passenger, I mean. "VIP", I told the driver. He laughed. Later he echoed in his french accent, "VIP". Yes, I felt special on the bus that day. Thankfully the driver left me to my thoughts. My eyes wandered as I gazed out of the windows. We passed a little village with mud homes scattered on both sides of the road. There were also brick structures - cement brick rather than the familiar burnt brick. Children played in the different yards. I saw three boys along a small foot bridge. I saw a toddler engrossed in some activity and another small child sitting on the steps of an old dwelling. Along the way we passed a mother sitting out in a front yard, breast-feeding, while others conversed about her. The scene was busy yet she appeared oblivious to the goings-on. I watched a lady walking on the side of this major, yet narrow road, carrying a baby. I remember thinking how I could never live near such a busy road-
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Holidays
Dear readers,
I wish you all a glorious new year 2010! We made it, all thanks to God. Remember that many people gave up at the last minute... a young teenage cousin of mine died a day or two before January first. Very sad. Then this first week of January, 2 family friends also passed away. Life has never been a given, and even though things can get unbearably rough sometimes, let us continue to be grateful and press on. My sister quoted a Chinese proverb in her recent newsletter... The journey is the reward - how true! I now think of it as Life is the journey!
I came to Ghana to spend the holidays with my parents and baby brother whom I had not seen since January 2006 (4 years). Lots had transpired in that time... armed robbers broke into their home in eastern Nigeria, then months later in NJ a man broke into my apartment. My parents later relocated to Ghana two years ago, and I relocated to the southern U.S. a little over a year ago. 2009 was a turbulent year for me. After a turbulent 2007-8, I positively anticipated 2009 to bring peace in its wake. With a new husband and new home, I had much excitement and trepidation. Alas, the strain and stress became a torment and I am glad that 2009 is gone. Golly, I must be the happiest person in the world.
For those in hard places right now, hold on to hope. Hang on to the good things in your life and believe God that things will certainly improve. After all, as is said, once you hit rock bottom the only way possible is up. A minister at church once told me (after I cried out in desperation and she prayed with me), your situation will get much worse before it can get better. I was miserable yet I braced myself. How right she was. After she said that, all hell broke loose in my life. Honestly, back then, I didn't know that I could survive the year. I was on the brink... an amalgam of despair and frustration. But I did survive, because God gave me His strength and I leaned on Him. It is not over until God says it is over. As for me, I think my life is just beginning in some respects. I can't explain it properly but kind of like a new lease.
From a distance, now living miles away from my old life in the States, I have had time to reflect and mull over the many experiences of 2009. At this juncture I know the future will be greater than the past. At this precise moment I feel a glorious peace in my spirit, and as I gaze outside through the open door to the balcony, I see the clear blue sky and smile... then I burst into song I feel good... na na na na na.
Accra is a beautiful and colourful west African city full of life and energy. My parents live in a quiet suburb and this has afforded me much needed rest. This holiday has been a special retreat and I have recuperated physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually from the strains and stresses of the past four years. I have taken lots of photos and will leave with fond memories. I was glad to meet my parents alive and well. The years roll by and the human body ages. Death hovers and I am not naive to the fact that not one of us knows the time nor the place when and where we shall breathe our last. I am thankful for each moment spent in the company of loved ones.
In a few days I shall return to the central African city where I work. Back to the grind. A trying assignment but a welcome source of livelihood. I will be miles from my family once more, dealing with the daily hassles of living in a war-ravaged nation while being overwhelmed with sympathy for the people who have no where else to call home. At the same time, a certain weary despair for the world in general settles upon my heart - why all the fighting? Wars from Asia to Africa? Instability in Europe and the US? Why can't we just all get along? But in all things we should give thanks and be grateful for what we have. I hope to have better internet access when I go back and plan to resume regular activity on blogspot. Thanks for reading and sorry to be missing all your lovely blog posts. I do try to catch up as much as I can, although not usually able to leave comments.
Again, I wish you all a glorious new year 2010! We made it, all thanks to God.
I wish you all a glorious new year 2010! We made it, all thanks to God. Remember that many people gave up at the last minute... a young teenage cousin of mine died a day or two before January first. Very sad. Then this first week of January, 2 family friends also passed away. Life has never been a given, and even though things can get unbearably rough sometimes, let us continue to be grateful and press on. My sister quoted a Chinese proverb in her recent newsletter... The journey is the reward - how true! I now think of it as Life is the journey!
I came to Ghana to spend the holidays with my parents and baby brother whom I had not seen since January 2006 (4 years). Lots had transpired in that time... armed robbers broke into their home in eastern Nigeria, then months later in NJ a man broke into my apartment. My parents later relocated to Ghana two years ago, and I relocated to the southern U.S. a little over a year ago. 2009 was a turbulent year for me. After a turbulent 2007-8, I positively anticipated 2009 to bring peace in its wake. With a new husband and new home, I had much excitement and trepidation. Alas, the strain and stress became a torment and I am glad that 2009 is gone. Golly, I must be the happiest person in the world.
For those in hard places right now, hold on to hope. Hang on to the good things in your life and believe God that things will certainly improve. After all, as is said, once you hit rock bottom the only way possible is up. A minister at church once told me (after I cried out in desperation and she prayed with me), your situation will get much worse before it can get better. I was miserable yet I braced myself. How right she was. After she said that, all hell broke loose in my life. Honestly, back then, I didn't know that I could survive the year. I was on the brink... an amalgam of despair and frustration. But I did survive, because God gave me His strength and I leaned on Him. It is not over until God says it is over. As for me, I think my life is just beginning in some respects. I can't explain it properly but kind of like a new lease.
From a distance, now living miles away from my old life in the States, I have had time to reflect and mull over the many experiences of 2009. At this juncture I know the future will be greater than the past. At this precise moment I feel a glorious peace in my spirit, and as I gaze outside through the open door to the balcony, I see the clear blue sky and smile... then I burst into song I feel good... na na na na na.
Accra is a beautiful and colourful west African city full of life and energy. My parents live in a quiet suburb and this has afforded me much needed rest. This holiday has been a special retreat and I have recuperated physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually from the strains and stresses of the past four years. I have taken lots of photos and will leave with fond memories. I was glad to meet my parents alive and well. The years roll by and the human body ages. Death hovers and I am not naive to the fact that not one of us knows the time nor the place when and where we shall breathe our last. I am thankful for each moment spent in the company of loved ones.
In a few days I shall return to the central African city where I work. Back to the grind. A trying assignment but a welcome source of livelihood. I will be miles from my family once more, dealing with the daily hassles of living in a war-ravaged nation while being overwhelmed with sympathy for the people who have no where else to call home. At the same time, a certain weary despair for the world in general settles upon my heart - why all the fighting? Wars from Asia to Africa? Instability in Europe and the US? Why can't we just all get along? But in all things we should give thanks and be grateful for what we have. I hope to have better internet access when I go back and plan to resume regular activity on blogspot. Thanks for reading and sorry to be missing all your lovely blog posts. I do try to catch up as much as I can, although not usually able to leave comments.
Again, I wish you all a glorious new year 2010! We made it, all thanks to God.
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