Can't Cry Anymore

Sometimes it hurts so bad and no one seems to care. It is not their fault and I don't blame them either. Friends and family... they've all got their own problems and can't always cry with you. Many-a-time they don't even hear you. Perhaps they find you complaining too much. On my part, I've always seen myself as quite sensitive to the pain of others. I might not know what to say to them and consequently I say nothing often, but deep inside I feel for them and I feel their pain.

One of our dogs ran away. Sailor. My husband told me the news only a couple of hours before I got on a plane to head home. I lost it emotionally and I bawled and cried for ages, crumpled on my bathroom floor until I had no tears left. My flatmate came in and tried to console me. I heard her words of compassion and wisdom and appreciated her godly counsel. She is like a younger sister to me, and very kind. Then I began shutting down. I got, showered, dressed and left for the airport.

Many hours, planes, airports, continents and time zones later... I landed at Jacksonville International airport and waited for my husband to pick me up. He was late. My emotions were stifled. I prayed for God to bring Sailor home. Then more bad news. I spent the first 3 days of my vacation in a hotel because our home had plumbing problems (which never got fixed until I left). When I was finally allowed to go home, I found some more tears and wept. The house was a mess... like a whirlwind had visited. Whenever I was alone I sobbed, day and night. I took long walks along paths that I had taken when I took Sailor and his sister, Sasha, on walks last year. I sighted him once; jumped out the car and tried to run across the neighbour's yard to catch him but he was gone. I screamed his name in anguish, jumped back into the car and my friend drove around to where he had been. No sign of him. Not a trace. Some days later she saw him on the road to her children's school. I will always wonder why he ran away. Maybe if I had been home, he'd still be there. Maybe I should have listened to my heart and paid someone to watch him and love him and feed him while I was gone. I thought to call the police, animal shelter, put up posters of 'lost dog - please call this number if you find him'... but I was numb. Truly, my emotions were paralyzed and I could do nothing. I found myself disconnecting from my life.

Sasha hadn't run away. I had begged my husband to have her spayed (as advised by a vet) and even sent a cheque to cover the bill. My husband didn't do it. I arrived to see Sasha, barely a year old, pregnant. On Easter morning, I believe, she gave birth to 5 pups. I was amazed at the great sadness that overcame me. Only a year old, and now a mother. I said I'd take photographs of her babies but I never did. The numbness grew deeper and I could barely get myself to take out her food and water. I was intrigued that she remembered me after my 6-month absence and she longed for my time. She would roll over for a stomach rub in her familiar manner and I missed her even though she was right there. I suppose I missed her because I would leave again soon and there was nothing I could do for her. I had already been told that she would be given away and I had nothing to say. After all, I had never wanted dogs and when they were forced upon me, I loved and cared for them as best as I could under the prevailing circumstances at the time. I grew attached to them. Then I left them to work overseas. And now... on my way to the airport to catch my flights back to DRC, I made a final quietly desperate plea. I asked my husband to please leave Sasha with my neighbour and friend after he gave the puppies away. She was still a puppy herself. The reply to my request was a distracted half-hearted 'okay' while concentrating on the cell phone held up to his left ear. I surrendered to God... Sasha, her pups, Sailor (wherever he was), my life, my love, my future and my husband.

It was a lot for me to handle. It was a difficult vacation. I hurt so bad but no one even noticed. No one even cared. My sister felt my pain over Sailor and I was grateful. A good friend felt my pain over the house and I was grateful. My mom felt my pain... she always does and somehow always knows even when I don't tell her what is going on. I can't cry anymore. I've actually been hurting for years. I've cried since 2005 over one thing or another... crises, tragedies, disasters, burdens and weights all going on in my 'little' life. How much more can I take? I feel like someone who has been underwater for a very long time and just managed to get to the surface.

Gulp. Gasp. Breathing hard and heavy. A hand pulls me out of the water gently and carries me ashore. I am laid on the sand and my head placed in someone's lap as he strokes my hair, my head and temples. Soothing. Peaceful. Hopeful. Alas, I remember the kind words a friend shared with me... God's sweet peace is my weapon. Amen. Yes it is and I boldly declare today that, in spite of that 3 week vacation home, I have not lost my sweet godly peace. I am happy and so I have been every day this year. 2010 is an awesome year for all of us. Believe it and get to living.

Reste benit dans la grace de Dieu.

Exhale

This year I am a different person.
Most of my life, I have been waiting for that magical moment when everything would be perfect and I could start to live. For instance, waiting to be thin enough to wear that perfect dress; to meet the perfect man; to have the perfect job; get those perfect grades; have the perfect house; the perfect life... waiting to exhale.

It has been 3 decades and now I know that there is no perfect moment. I accept. So this year, I was reborn. The other day I got home tired after a full work day. I parked the car, climbed up the stairs and turned the corner towards my apartment. Suddenly I stopped and admired the brightly coloured flowers growing on the left side overlooking the car park. Guess what happened next? I stopped and I smelled the flowers.

One morning last month, I went for a run. It felt great. I returned to the hotel where I stay and decided to walk around the pool to cool down. I climbed up the stairs to the pool area and after several turns, I noticed the small swing set. I stopped and sat on one swing. Now, when was the last time I did that? Once last year I swung on a children's swing at a park near my home in Georgia. Before that, I think that I'd not been on a swing since childhood.

Some weeks ago, I stopped to listen to the sound of the birds that gather every morning in the trees within the hotel grounds. More often nowadays, I pause and stare at the huge river Congo (that I learned about in history and geography books). As I cross the bridge on my jogging route I watch the fishermen in their simple boats and nets. I catch the beauty in the sunset and sometimes the sunrise too. These are the things that matter. Sometime last year my husband and I bought some take-out food from a Jamaican restaurant and sat in a park to eat. Its the little things... the little miracles in life that we should live for.

When was the last time a little child hugged your neck? [excluding your own kids if you have the sort of kids that hug a lot; including your own kids if you are not a family of huggers; LOL]. When is the last time you had a picnic? The last time you had a spa treatment (ladies & guys too)? The last time you read to an elderly person or a child? The last time you cooked for someone? The last time you visited someone in hospital? The last time you spent time with extended family? The last time you played hopscotch with your kids? The last time you played catch? Do you remember any of those times?

Life is precious and life is short. This is 2010 - a year to remember all the good things in your life and to do some of the fun things that you haven't had time to do in a while (or that you have been putting off until that perfect day). Today is as perfect as it gets. Start living. Just stop what you are doing right now and ... Exhale!

~

GLORY

Wow. Glory y'all.
Look... can't you see it (with your spirit's eye)?
Can't you feel it? I sure can - His awesome glory.

Thanks for all your lovely and uplifting comments. . . Finally Free, Prerna, Bob West, CathM, RCUBEs, Peter Stone and Violet.

Today, I heard it said that we passed the test and His glory will manifest in our lives. STOP and think about that for a moment. Meditate on this. Many-a-time we go on and on about trials & temptations; being tested and being put in the fire. STOP. All that may be true, but how many times have you congratulated yourselves on passing the test? You made it- well done. You came through the fire and were not burned [at least not much- lol- see the burn marks as a warrior's scars; a reminder that you did it]. Maybe at this point in time, at this juncture in your life, maybe there is not much that God wants you to do ... except stay in place. Just stay in position and let your guard down. You are not waiting for any thing. Simply enjoying the moment. Consider this a REST STOP. Pause and take a breath. Let Him carry you a while.

Earlier I was tuned in to Ron Carpenter's service on TBN Africa and this is what I heard from his message... (this ain't no quote because it is like I heard a whole other message - smile)

We are the yeast and therefore we need a lump of dough to function. Our function is to leaven dough. Yeast is used to cause dough to rise and it needs the right temperature to do so. God wants to use us to cause others to rise and we need the right atmosphere to accomplish this. Peoples, face your situation and change it like yeast changes the dough it is in. Change the family that you are in. Change the church that you are in. Change the town that you are in. Change the school that you are in. Stop asking God to remove you from that environment (as difficult as it is) lest you remain as inactive dry yeast. Choose to continue until you have leavened the entire dough... the entire extended family; the entire congregation; the entire community or campus. Find or create the right temperature and moisture level required for your activation. Realize the level of your anointing and remember to dress daily in your godly armor.

Waste is not always bad. We know of toxic waste, but recall that some waste is valuable raw product that can be turned into precious substances. "Fermentation products contain chemical energy (they are not fully oxidized) but are considered waste products, since they cannot be metabolized further without the use of oxygen." One of yeast's waste product is alcohol through a process known as fermentation. Yeast is used in the manufacture of beers & fine wines. There have been no wasted events in your life because, like a manufacturer, God takes all that waste and turns it all into fine wine.

Hmmm, I digressed back there [smile]. I am lucky to get unto Blogspot today and I really want to share with you the biggest miracle of my life. Honestly, God's done a lot for me and my family, but this is the biggest gift yet. I can't go into details, but believe me when I say that my darling sister is finally free after 14 years of captivity. The Holy Spirit reminds me of the lady with the issue of blood- 12years; the man at the pool of Bethesda- 38years.

My dear reader, how long have you suffered a particular problem? The kind of problem that has caused you angst, deep depression, loss of sound mind... for how long have you wailed in travail? For how long has your marriage lingered or your health teetered on the brink? Today, I speak with boldness and confidence when I say, hang on; hold on; don't give up; because if God can answer a prayer that my family has prayed for over 10years (with incessant prayers and support of pastors at the different churches we each attend, and the prayer groups at each of these churches, and the pastors of friends' churches and their prayer groups too; and the prayers of ministers I never met whom I called on prayerlines & hotlines all over North America)... if God can answer our prayer after all these years of tears, then my friends God can do anything.

Think of the life and ministry of Jesus, Joseph, Daniel and other great men in the bible and in history... from the time of their birth, it took years of ordinary living and human suffering until the appointed time for them to be revealed (made manifest) to the world. Yesterday I watched parts of different movies on Ernie Davis (see movie The Express) and Jim Ellis (see movie Pride). You are almost a nobody until God is ready to reveal you and commence your ministry. So get ready. Be patient. Your time shall come (if it hasn't already). Hold on to that promise - don't let the devil make you doubt it. I choose to believe that 2010 will be our best year yet. Claim this testimony for yourself too, and then watch it unfold in Jesus' precious name. God is good. He is awesome. Have a wonderful month of March!

- GLORY -
xxx

THE WINDING ROAD

It was curves and hills most of the way. Rocky in parts. Potholes too; lots of them. The bus driver navigated the route effortlessly. He must have done it countless times. I was the only one on the bus; the only passenger, I mean. "VIP", I told the driver. He laughed. Later he echoed in his french accent, "VIP". Yes, I felt special on the bus that day. Thankfully the driver left me to my thoughts. My eyes wandered as I gazed out of the windows. We passed a little village with mud homes scattered on both sides of the road. There were also brick structures - cement brick rather than the familiar burnt brick. Children played in the different yards. I saw three boys along a small foot bridge. I saw a toddler engrossed in some activity and another small child sitting on the steps of an old dwelling. Along the way we passed a mother sitting out in a front yard, breast-feeding, while others conversed about her. The scene was busy yet she appeared oblivious to the goings-on. I watched a lady walking on the side of this major, yet narrow road, carrying a baby. I remember thinking how I could never live near such a busy road-

The Holidays

Dear readers,

I wish you all a glorious new year 2010! We made it, all thanks to God. Remember that many people gave up at the last minute... a young teenage cousin of mine died a day or two before January first. Very sad. Then this first week of January, 2 family friends also passed away. Life has never been a given, and even though things can get unbearably rough sometimes, let us continue to be grateful and press on. My sister quoted a Chinese proverb in her recent newsletter... The journey is the reward - how true! I now think of it as Life is the journey!

I came to Ghana to spend the holidays with my parents and baby brother whom I had not seen since January 2006 (4 years). Lots had transpired in that time... armed robbers broke into their home in eastern Nigeria, then months later in NJ a man broke into my apartment. My parents later relocated to Ghana two years ago, and I relocated to the southern U.S. a little over a year ago. 2009 was a turbulent year for me. After a turbulent 2007-8, I positively anticipated 2009 to bring peace in its wake. With a new husband and new home, I had much excitement and trepidation. Alas, the strain and stress became a torment and I am glad that 2009 is gone. Golly, I must be the happiest person in the world.

For those in hard places right now, hold on to hope. Hang on to the good things in your life and believe God that things will certainly improve. After all, as is said, once you hit rock bottom the only way possible is up. A minister at church once told me (after I cried out in desperation and she prayed with me), your situation will get much worse before it can get better. I was miserable yet I braced myself. How right she was. After she said that, all hell broke loose in my life. Honestly, back then, I didn't know that I could survive the year. I was on the brink... an amalgam of despair and frustration. But I did survive, because God gave me His strength and I leaned on Him. It is not over until God says it is over. As for me, I think my life is just beginning in some respects. I can't explain it properly but kind of like a new lease.

From a distance, now living miles away from my old life in the States, I have had time to reflect and mull over the many experiences of 2009. At this juncture I know the future will be greater than the past. At this precise moment I feel a glorious peace in my spirit, and as I gaze outside through the open door to the balcony, I see the clear blue sky and smile... then I burst into song I feel good... na na na na na.

Accra is a beautiful and colourful west African city full of life and energy. My parents live in a quiet suburb and this has afforded me much needed rest. This holiday has been a special retreat and I have recuperated physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually from the strains and stresses of the past four years. I have taken lots of photos and will leave with fond memories. I was glad to meet my parents alive and well. The years roll by and the human body ages. Death hovers and I am not naive to the fact that not one of us knows the time nor the place when and where we shall breathe our last. I am thankful for each moment spent in the company of loved ones.

In a few days I shall return to the central African city where I work. Back to the grind. A trying assignment but a welcome source of livelihood. I will be miles from my family once more, dealing with the daily hassles of living in a war-ravaged nation while being overwhelmed with sympathy for the people who have no where else to call home. At the same time, a certain weary despair for the world in general settles upon my heart - why all the fighting? Wars from Asia to Africa? Instability in Europe and the US? Why can't we just all get along? But in all things we should give thanks and be grateful for what we have. I hope to have better internet access when I go back and plan to resume regular activity on blogspot. Thanks for reading and sorry to be missing all your lovely blog posts. I do try to catch up as much as I can, although not usually able to leave comments.

Again, I wish you all a glorious new year 2010! We made it, all thanks to God.